Oversubscribed UK Schools To Replace Admissions Process With ‘Real-Life Fortnite Battle Royale’

Secondary schools in the United Kingdom which face huge amounts of applicants are to begin selecting students through a Battle Royale process, rather than the typical admissions procedure, in order to decide which children will be accepted.

Rather than assessing each individual based on factors such as their grade prospects, proximity to the school and history of siblings attending the same institution, a ‘Battle Royale’-type process will commence in 2019. Similar to the popular video game Fortnite, 100 aspiring schoolchildren will be parachuted into a field in Somerset and forced to scavenge weapons and supplies. The child that emerges from the conflict alive will be given a place at their local comprehensive.

The move comes after the current Education Secretary, Damian Hinds, announced that the current method of deciding admissions was too long and convoluted given the huge amount of children applying for school places, and the new method would significantly streamline efforts.

‘We confidently believe that dropping children into a field to fight for the death is the right step forwards. Many children may be worse off as a result, but it saves an awful lot of administrative headaches.’

Mr. Hinds was also optimistic that the new system would prevent promising young warriors from slipping through the cracks.

‘In reality, this allows for a lot more social mobility than we’d seen before. No matter who you are, where you live or how much your mummy and daddy make, you can still bash in other children’s heads with sticks. We’re making the future accessible to anyone, and in particular the most resourceful and inwardly-tormented’.

Local politicians have backed the scheme, with Giles Crowe, MP for Eckingham, Birmingham believing it would save many difficult conversations while allowing children to ‘have fun’.

‘You wouldn’t believe the amount of upset parents I get begging me to speak to local headteachers to allow their child in’, said Crowe. ‘The Battle Royales will get rid of such awkward encounters, and allow children to have fun at the same time. All I ever hear kids talking about these days is Fortnite this, Fortnite that. What’s the harm in letting them live like their heroes for a while?’

However, not everyone has been impressed by the switch. A spokesman for OFSTED, the body responsible for inspecting British schools, suggested that any institution which implemented the measure would likely have their selections process recorded as ‘unsatisfactory’.

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